THIS MONTH I REFUSE TO SEE...

DOLPHIN TALE!

Okay, look. This movie doesn't really have a lot wrong with it that would suggest anybody should avoid it. It has Morgan Freeman and is about a sad, sweet little dolphin who gets it's tale chopped off by.... something. I'm pretty sure it's even a true story. So the question remains - am I a humanless monster?

Probably.

But, with good cause do I not recommend this. Because without even seeing it, I can tell you a few things. It'll be a happy ending, there will probably be a dramatic dolphin death at the hands of somebody who will later change their ways and, oh yeah - it'll be the saddest thing anybody's ever seen and tears will rain down from God himself to wash over humanity's good nature and bless us all with the power of love. Girls will love this movie. PETA will praise this movie. Japan will hate it, but really - they would throw a harpoon through Ariel's head if they thought it could make good soup.

The point rests solely on predictability and cheesiness. I'm not even sure if the title Dolphin Tale is supposed to be a play on Dolphin TAIL. As in, the TAIL end of a fish. Maybe they realized the latter wasn't technically accurate? Who cares, though? There are far more interesting films to see this month, and that's what it comes down to. Also, I'm literally allergic to fish - this film would probably kill me. It's just too risky.

Dolphin Tale opens September 23rd if you're interested (in getting laid).