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>> Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Someone please kill me...

Four twenty somethings, a few racist rednecks and a security guard fight off death in what I hope to be the final Final Destination. After an explosion at a race track that happens after a dream of an explosion at a race track, the hero, his girlfriend, and the douche and his girlfriend run out of what is sure to be disaster. Never mind the poor construction of the building or the wreckless pit crew of one of the race cars, it's just one of those days that makes you wish you had stayed in bed.

The case is no different here. And much like the prior films in Final Destination series, the catalyst is a vision of the traumatic events about to transpire. I actually liked the first and second films a lot. The first one had your heart beating after the plane actually exploded, and death's "design" made sense. They even managed to work the effects of said deaths into the next film, again, into a highway scene that made your heart stop. This series should have pulled a Ghostbusters and ended after two. (this last line may have to be updated soon)

The Final Destination was made for the rednecks who starred in it, and want no emotion, no sympathy to the endless deaths, and nothing but a spectacle of the relatively new 3-D technology plaguing a cineplex near you. There's even a scene in the movie where the characters go see a movie in a 3-D - supposedly a clever nod at what you as a viewer are watching, when in reality it seems like an excuse to add another ending onto what seemed to be a movie that never really ended or had any close to the story at all.

This was NOT a movie I could get into. It reminded me of when I would watch a student film in university, more poignantly, one that would try and be something unachievable with resources like friends or family for actors. Especially if they were trying to make a drama. Now give them the 3-D technology, and you have this film. The acting and the beats were off, and special effects as gory as some were, were extremely fake. Something that was supposed to be scary made me laugh out loud. Imagine watching a movie, where the people in the movie are watching a movie, and it's cheesy and really bad. That's what this was! I literally looked around a couple times to make sure I wasn't in a movie myself. Okay, I didn't, but maybe this helps you understand better what I mean when I say I couldn't get into it.

Now, a person won't go into this movie expecting a great story line. But this movie, had NO story line. Literally - none. I think the biggest thing was that after our hero sees the first accident with a vision, the rest of the signs of who is next and what is going to happen literally come in the forms of wake up sweaty, shots from the upcoming scene, dreams. No . . . really. There is so little imagination in this film, the characters didn't have to work to figure out anything. Its like one writer said "what should they do to get from one accident to the other, and how do we tie it all together?" and the other writer said "I don't f***ing know, dreams? Now come here and see how I'm gonna kill this person - a bus will hit him!" WHAT?!

Also, let's theorize death is a real "figure" or whatever, would he (or she - I won't be sexist) really be spending its time chasing these guys through the film? It's like the equivalent of a villain monologuing waiting for the hero to get away, instead of shooting them in the head. There is literally a moment where in the movie where a character tries to kill himself - THREE TIMES, but death won't allow it. Does death not get to collect Airmiles if it's victims kill themselves?

The basic jist of this whole thing is, don't see this movie. There are plenty of other films coming out in 3-D for a person to sink their teeth into to gain the full spectacle of this miraculous new additions to our theatres. If Up is still available for 3-D viewing in your area, go see that. Hell, Toy Story and Toy Story 2 are coming out in a full blown, two for the price of one 3-D in October, see that. But do not, DO NOT, see this film. If I found out you did, after I wrote this, we are not friends, and I WILL remove you from Facebook. This is one door that should remained closed, be sealed off and never be opened again.

*Still courtesy of New Line Cinema


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