THIS MONTH I REFUSE TO SEE...

THE VOW!

I have a vow... it's to never see this movie. If you liked Dear John or The Notebook though, you'll be in line opening day - which proves my point. All these movies are formulas used time and time again to get you into the theatre to cry - not at the repetitive nature from which these films are drawn, of course. But for the tragedy that befalls our hero couple and the pitfalls they're forced to overcome to hold each other just... once... more.

Do I dislike romantic, sappy movies? No, not really. Do I dislike unoriginal ones? Yup. I know there's a line out there that states every story has already been told in one form or another. While this may be true, it's not about a couple struggling with love that needs change - it's the way it's told. We see love all the time in movies and it's done in a million different ways. So if The Vow was willing to try harder, than perhaps it could become more of a timeless film than a money-grubbing one.

Even the actors in this film are reused from other sappy dramas. As you probably know, Rachel McAdams was in The Notebook and Channing Tatum was in Dear John. My question is where are Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore? Because The Vow uses the same 'I need you to fall in love with me after your memory loss' ingredients as 50 First Dates implemented. Hell, even The Notebook was a movie based ENTIRELY on that concept. That's why I refuse to see it- because I've seen those movies and prefer to see a movie more original.

However, there is one good thing to come out of speaking about this film. It's inspired me to start using a new term on my site when referring to movies that reuse the same story lines over and over - ESP. ESP is not only the ability I have to tell EXACTLY what it will be like based on the (much shorter) trailer, but it is a rating system I am officially implementing as of now.

In this case, The Vow has an ESP (Exact Same Plot) rating of 7/10.

If you don't believe in ESP, The Vow opens February 10th right in time for Valentine's Day! Wait, I'm seeing something else with my ESP - it appears to be a cash cow. Fact.

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THIS MONTH I REFUSE TO SEE...

ONE FOR THE MONEY!

What I love most about One for the Money's leading lady Katherine Heigl is that she doesn't care if she becomes the next Nicholas Cage. Lately she's made bad movie after bad movie and the last good movie Heigl was in was 2007's Knocked Up. Since then she's made several screen mistakes including her most recent debacles New Year's Eve and Life as We Know It. Coincidentally Life as We Know It was the movie I refused to see in October of 2010.

While Heigl's movies are undoubtedly enjoyable to a select few and while she is delightful and charming in all the right ways - the plots of her movies are unoriginal and idiotic cliché-ridden disasters. Not to mention the casting director for Money must've thought Heigl looked smokin' next to The Ugly Truth co-star Gerard Butler, because they cast his doppelganger Jason O' Mara (TV's Terra Nova) to be the man Heigl is dangerously in love with for this train wreck.

What's One for the Money about? Just imagine Heigl as a down-on-her-luck girl who decides to become Dog the Bounty Hunter. I imagine that's how it was pitched to the studio and based on the trailer - that's how it's pitched to you. No thanks - I think when it comes to One for the Money, I'm gonna skip bail when it opens January 27th. Happy 'New' Year!

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THIS MONTH I (ALMOST) REFUSE TO SEE...

JACK AND JILL!

It doesn't take more than one look at the now widely known and absurd trailer for Jack and Jill to know that by this point Adam Sandler is almost parodying himself. The trailer looks like it would have been something Sandler threw together as a skit back in his SNL days. Sadly, it's not. It's a movie the studio invested in and it's a movie that will get some play. People may almost want to see the movie that was 'so bad it's good'. Snakes on a Plane did it in 2006, Piranha 3D did it last year - will this be the year of Jack and Jill? It's hard to say.

What I do know is that I will be seeing it. And I will be reviewing it. Unfortunately as we near the Oscars it becomes harder and harder to find a movie you don't want to watch. Also, that weekend, it happens I'll be visiting my friend Luke in Medicine Hat, AB. I've never known anybody that has made watching a bad movie as enjoyable as Luke. As an example, I saw Rob Schneider's The Hot Chick and thought nothing good of it until I watched it with Luke. Now it's one of my favorite movies. Fact is, Luke has a way of sucking you into his enjoyment of bad movies with him and making you see why ridiculous is sometimes funny. It's hit or miss at times - if Luke doesn't like a bad movie (like 2007's Norbit), then you know it's really bad.

With Jack and Jill coming out the weekend I visit Luke, it seems like too good an opportunity to pass up. It is a 'watch with Luke' movie after all. And although I most certainly won't recommend it (we all can't know a Luke, after all), I will enjoy the pure ridiculousness of Al Pacino hitting on Sandler in drag. It's sad not because he wouldn't, but because he agreed to do it on film. Sigh... I miss Scarface Pacino.

If you want to risk falling down and breaking your crown, Jack and Jill opens November 11th.

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THIS MONTH I REFUSE TO SEE...

DOLPHIN TALE!

Okay, look. This movie doesn't really have a lot wrong with it that would suggest anybody should avoid it. It has Morgan Freeman and is about a sad, sweet little dolphin who gets it's tale chopped off by.... something. I'm pretty sure it's even a true story. So the question remains - am I a humanless monster?

Probably.

But, with good cause do I not recommend this. Because without even seeing it, I can tell you a few things. It'll be a happy ending, there will probably be a dramatic dolphin death at the hands of somebody who will later change their ways and, oh yeah - it'll be the saddest thing anybody's ever seen and tears will rain down from God himself to wash over humanity's good nature and bless us all with the power of love. Girls will love this movie. PETA will praise this movie. Japan will hate it, but really - they would throw a harpoon through Ariel's head if they thought it could make good soup.

The point rests solely on predictability and cheesiness. I'm not even sure if the title Dolphin Tale is supposed to be a play on Dolphin TAIL. As in, the TAIL end of a fish. Maybe they realized the latter wasn't technically accurate? Who cares, though? There are far more interesting films to see this month, and that's what it comes down to. Also, I'm literally allergic to fish - this film would probably kill me. It's just too risky.

Dolphin Tale opens September 23rd if you're interested (in getting laid).

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THIS MONTH I REFUSE TO SEE...

SPY KIDS: ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD!

I never really thought too much about the original Spy Kids trilogy. I always thought they were so-so, even just as kids movies. After the last one came out I expected there wouldn't be anymore. Low and behold, it probably only took a one-word gimmick to get this film green-lit: Aroma-Scope. Yes, a basic scratch-n-sniff card to make the movie more interactive. Or, as they advertise it as - 4-D. Ironic, considering that time (the main plot device in the film) is considered the real fourth dimension.

The idea of 4-D brings to light just how unnecessary Spy Kids 4 really is. It also makes me question the casting abilities of somebody like Jessica Alba's agent - why she's in this and more recent films likes Little Fockers I'll never know. But really, I don't think this is a franchise that needed to be continued, or rebooted - or whatever. Even with me liking the idea of time manipulation (Clockstoppers almost did it justice), it's not enough to drag me to this most ridiculous of films this month.

If you're interested in shutting your kids up for part an afternoon, Spy Kids: All the Time in the World opens August 19th. Considering it's in 3-D though, you may want to save the $100 it'll cost you and just go get the little brats ice-cream or something and enjoy the rest of your summer.

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THIS MONTH I REFUSE TO SEE...

ZOOKEEPER!

If you've ever read this part of my site this decision won't come as a surprise to you. If you've seen the trailer for Zookeeper this shouldn't come as a surprise to you either. This new Kevin James flick looks like a mess from start to finish. Last summer I tore in Vampires Suck stating that the filmmakers behind that mess (Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer) should never be given another dime again. If the 'people that brought you Paul Blart: Mall Cop' keep on with this kind of behaviour it won't be long until I boycott them as well.

Really, when it comes down to it you've see this movie before. Hands down. Be it in the form of Ben Stiller taking on a museum (the posters even look the same!), Eddie Murphy going crazy in Doctor Dolittle, Jim Carrey having a hard-on for the animal kingdom in Ace Ventura, or Rob Schneider literally having animal parts stuffed into him in The Animal, Zookeeper is just a different brand of shit that once again takes up valuable space on the screens in our theatres. I swear to God, if this movie does better than Super 8, I will have to seriously consider taking my own life.

For those of you who wanna snag some pick up lines from a gorilla and a monkey, Zookeeper opens July 8th. Or you know, you could just take a ball peen hammer to your privates...

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THIS MONTH I REFUSE TO SEE...

MR. POPPER'S PENGUINS!

If you've seen the trailer for this Jim Carrey vehicle, you're probably well aware that while this could be a family-friendly comedy it'll undoubtedly be a mess. I can only hope this is some sort of trade off for Carrey and that perhaps in order to do a better film, the studio made him do this.

The trailer portrays Carrey as Mr. Popper, a man who's not close to his family and has problems committing to spending time with them instead of work. That is, until his crazy uncle (or father or some shit like that) sends him a box of penguins from Antarctica. If the alliterative title doesn't make your eyes roll, the synopsis should. I don't know how or why this film got made (another children's book was the basis, by the way), but it will probably and unfortunately make a lot of money. As my friend Rowan said as we caught ourselves watching the trailer - "I wish I would have thought of it".

For those of you who actually want to go out and support Popper's, the film opens June 17th. For those of you who are taking your kids to the theatre to treat them, wait for Cars 2 on June 24th. For those of you simply going to Popper's Penguins to see some cute penguins dance around and fall down, most (if not all) of them are CGI. Even then, the studio probably killed and studied a real penguin to get the CG version to look more like the real thing. Okay, maybe not. But you know what? Just don't see it.

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THIS MONTH I REFUSE TO SEE...

SOMETHING BORROWED!

As summer gets into full swing with a line-up of May movies, I have to say I'm a bit surprised. The point of this monthly post is to point out movies I don't think need to exist or only exist as some lame attempt to cash in on another studio's film. This May there's pretty much no movie I wouldn't mind checking out, but with my local theatre's increase in ticket prices ($10.10 to $11.50) I'm going to take advantage of 'This Month I Refuse To See...' and use it to make the tough decisions I need to save a couple bucks. Honestly, I almost refused no movie at all at this month because none look as awful as previous selections.

Thankfully, upon a second glance of the trailers for Something Borrowed and Bridesmaids, I decided we didn't need two wedding movies this month and have decided against the PG-13, undoubted eye-roll-athon Something Borrowed. While I like Kate Hudson and John Krasinski, the trailer reveals all about how the happy ending will come about. Something Borrowed looks not wholly unlike a mix of No Strings Attatched and He's Just Not That Into You.

As I mentioned, it's rated PG-13. To compare it to May's other wedding flick, Bridesmaids is rated R. Anything that has Kristen Wiig in it, looks like a female version of The Hangover AND is rated R looks like a winner either way. So really, when it comes down it - perhaps the best way to state why I'm even refusing to see a film this month is the same reason I always do. Even though Something Borrowed will undoubtedly have it's moments when it opens on May 6th, as usual - there's always something better to see.

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THIS MONTH I REFUSE TO SEE...

HOODWINKED TOO: HOOD VS EVIL!

There's not really much to say about why I would avoid this film like the plague. I saw the first Hoodwinked when it came out as it seemed like it could be funny. Then I saw it and was more or less displeased. I found it boring, and although it had it's moments, the animation was uninspiring and flat. When your an animated film up against pretty much anything from Pixar or even Shrek, you have to step up your game. I believed the film, the story or the characters would never see the light of day again.

Yet here we are, five years later and the animation still looks like it sucks (despite s0me minimal improvement). While I agree that perhaps the second should get the chance to prove itself as being better than the first, the trailer shows me nothing I think I'll like. This may be one for the kids (the little buggers eat up 3-D films like crack, these days) , but with films like Rio and Hop also coming out this month, I don't think Hoodwinked Too really had a chance anyways. I guess we'll see when it comes out to end this month on April 29th.

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THIS MONTH I REFUSE TO SEE...

BEASTLY!

This weekend Vanessa Hudgens will star in Beastly, a re-imagining of the old tale and Disney classic, Beauty and the Beast. It doesn't take more than one glance at the trailer for this mess of all messes to realize that the studios are trying to cash in on all the Twi-hards out there. Although this film may not star anybody from the actual Twilight films, its hard to miss the similarities between the two flicks - or worse yet, the damage these kinds of films have on today's youth.

Instead of someone like Edward -a vampire unaccepted by society and feared by the local community, you get someone like Kyle - a used-to-be-pretty boy now turned hideous and rejected by those around him. Its all teen drama and its misunderstood teen rebellion fueled by our heroines ego, which is feeding off of the fact that shes doing something 'good' by liking an outcast. You don't ever have to watch the movie to realize that at some point, she will have it out with somebody who criticizes her. Getting high off overcoming adversity is what these films are all about, anyways.

Now, I don't hate the uglies or those who are handicapped or anybody that triumphs despite their shortcomings. There's inspiration in it and to be hopeful and follow your dreams and to have pure, unadulterated ambition is a great high. But when its dwindled down to something as shallow as loving someone who's disfigured - only to have your happy ending be one where he becomes beautiful again, then what kind of lesson are we really learning? More importantly, what impact does that have on those who believe in this type of romance, or better yet - those of us unlucky enough to be disfigured in some way who cant turn into a prince before the credits roll.

Beastly, in the end, (as much as it tries to be), will not be about self image, it will not be about confidence and it will not be about acceptance. It will be about the one thing its been about since its conception - pure and utter bullshit. If that's what your into, Beastly opens March 4th.

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THIS MONTH I REFUSE TO SEE...

BIG MOMMAS: LIKE FATHER LIKE SON!

My friend Luke (of EditingLuke) will surely be disappointed with me this time. He was the last person that I heard that really enjoyed the first two movies in this series (Big Momma's House 1 & 2), and I've no doubt that in preparation for this year's Oscars, he will be in line at the theatre opening day to catch this third (and hopefully final) installment.

But why do I refuse to see what is surely to be a masterpiece of fat-suit phenomena? Frankly, if you didn't get your fill in Big Momma's House, you should have definitely had enough by the time the credits rolled on the second film. The trailer offers up it's usual puns and lines which you just know is the best (and possibly only) funny material in this outdated flick. Those moments alone are enough to make your eyes roll to the point of nausea, not to mention what one can expect from seeing the film in it's entirety.

While Big Mommas: Like Father Like Son will undoubtedly have it's moments, it's not worth a few of mine. Luke, the movie opens February 18th. If you like it (and I mean really like it), I'll make you a deal and give you the $5 to scoop it out of the Wal-Mart bin next month just in time for your birthday.

*Note: Luke normally has an impeccable taste when it comes to good movies, but he really did enjoy the first two Big Momma movies. For shame...

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THIS MONTH I REFUSE TO SEE...

NO STRINGS ATTACHED!

One word: Ashton Kutcher. He's the biggest reason I won't see this movie. I've liked him enough in other things (most recently last year's Valentine's Day), and it's not his doughy-eyed, clueless look alone that pushes me away. It's more or less what his presence in a film indicates about that particular movie. In most cases it's a typical comedy with a few funny lines here and there and some off-the-cuff romance that results in everlasting love.

Watching the trailer for Kuthcer's most recent vehicle, No Strings Attached, it's obvious what's going on, and what's going to happen. While I am intrigued (and partially confused) by Natalie Portman's presence (especially after Black Swan), it's not enough to drag me to the theatre to see this one - and probably not even the video store.

This movie looks like an accidental parody of every other romantic comedy. It has the wise-cracking best guy friends, the wild and "unexpected" love interest, the shocking funny guy, etc, etc, etc. While I could go on, I'll save Interweb space like I hoard it and stop here.

If your interested*, No Strings Attached takes up space in theatres on January 21st.

*I advise against being interested.

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THIS MONTH I REFUSE TO SEE...

THE TOURIST!

Shocking perhaps. Yes. But watching the trailer, it just fails to, I dunno, grip me as much as it maybe should. Don't get me wrong, I love Angelina Jolie and Johnny Depp. But I feel we've seen the whole 'beautiful woman sucks poor schmuck into a danger-ridden adventure including a boat chase in Europe and he ends up being a bad-ass for once in his life' type of thing. I'm not saying this will be an awful movie. In fact, I'm willing to bet you if I saw it I might even give it an open door. But I can tell right now I don't feel this will be an original tale, even if it on occasion has some exciting action (and I don't mean just between the two leads either, wink wink).

So go see this one if you want. I don't think you'll hate it, you may damn well love it. You may even be asking me, 'But Angry Charlie, why would you refuse to see this and not obvious flops like Yogi Bear, or Gulliver's Travels?' Truth is, when it comes to those flops I'm more curious about the end result and how the filmmakers handled them. With The Tourist, I feel as if I already know what I'm going to feel like exiting the theatre. Also, why is Angelina Jolie always the secretly, tough seductress? Isn't it obvious by looking at her that she's a heap load o' trouble? And why is that when Johnny Depp finally steps out of the make-up chair for a second he's weaker than an injured duckling? Whatever. point is, this ain't for me. Plus, anybody else thinkin' Tron Legacy far outweighs the hype of this flick?

The Tourist opens December 10th. Have fun.

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THIS MONTH I REFUSE TO SEE...

FASTER!

If you don't know what Faster is, I'll give you the plot summary as outlined on IMDb.com:

An ex-con (Dwayne Johnson) sets out to avenge his brother's death after they were double-crossed during a heist years ago. During his campaign, however, he's tracked by a veteran cop and an egocentric hit man.

Now, I don't care if it's a typical storyline or if sounds like something we've heard of or seen before. There are plenty of great movies out there that aren't 100% original. Whatever. The reason I refuse to see Faster this month (or any other month for that, matter) is because the dialogue and the way the story line plays out will undoubtedly be unoriginal. Although it may contain some cool action (well, it better), and even though Dwayne Johnson has finally taken a break from his Disney career (save for The Other Guys), lines from the trailer like "Sermon's over..." are of the things that make eyes roll. It's feels as if I'm watching a trailer that looks like it should have preceded Tropic Thunder (2008).

Keep in mind, I'm not saying some people won't enjoy Faster, I can see the appeal and it has all the right ingredients to make some movie goers go gaga - muscles, cars, guns, rebellion, etc. So, don't let me hold you back. I'm just saying with movies like Due Date, Megamind, Morning Glory, Skyline, Unstoppable, Harry Potter, Love and Other Drugs, The Next Three Days, Tangled and (maybe even) Burlesque coming out this month, you have a near unprecedented choice of other films to see besides Faster. But should none of them sway you, Faster will be in theatres November 24th, and the Wal-Mart $5 bin same time next year.

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THIS MONTH I REFUSE TO SEE...

LIFE AS WE KNOW IT!

Why? Because. That's why. At least - my mom tells me that's a valid reason. However, that's not good enough to stop you from seeing a movie I know in advance is not worth your time.

Josh Duhamel and Katherine Heigl are likable enough people, don't get me wrong. Heigl was really great in Knocked Up (2007) and believe it or not I actually liked Duhamel in Win a Date with Ted Hamilton!. My guess is that's what lead each of them to this role (or their agents or whomever is to blame).

For those of you who haven't seen the trailer, Duhamel and Heigl are one of those couples you see who you know will not have a relationship in the near future. They argue all the time, never seem to be on the same page for anything and for all intensive purposes, loathe eachother. But wouldn't you know it, their mutual best friend dies and leaves them with the custody to her now orphaned baby. The thing is, is that they must spend one night in a haunted castle. No, wait, wrong movie. This is much worse - they must get a long with eachother and learn to not argue or the baby will go to an orphanage forever being cursed with the shame of never having a real family. Whatever. So Heigl and Duhamel decide to give it a go, and wouldn't you know it, that's exactly what they needed to solve their differences and become one, happy family.

I refuse to see Life as We Know It because it only enables the idea that struggling couples should have kids to solve their differences, when in reality said child will eventually take part in a custody battle ten years down the road wondering how the became that lucky kid.

Now, yes. I know this is an innocent comedy and like most movies where you can suspend your disbelief long enough you ultimately want a happy ending. But no offense, their friend is a bitch. Nice burden to put on a couple who would have most likely broken up at next year's spring break anyways. It's the same reason you don't get a tattoo with your loved one's name until you know damn well for sure they (like the tatt) are forever.

My prediction is that Life as We Know It will be a dopey comedy that will have a couple of laughs, for sure (that are all probably in the trailer), but in the end won't be enough to justify the $10 you'll spend. There's enough out there this month to see to keep one away from such a thing - even if there was time I don't think I'll be seeing this anytime soon. If only it was in 3D....

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THIS MONTH I REFUSE TO SEE...

THE AMERICAN!!!

The reason I refuse to see this film is not because I hate the US or am extremly pro-Canadian. So let me get that out of the way. I also don't hate George Clooney. In fact, I relatively like the guy. He's a smart, charming actor and for the most part I appreciate his acting style.

The reason I don't want to see this film is because the trailer for The American tells me exactly what this movie will be like. Not the whole story, per say, in fact I didn’t know what the hell was going on in the trailer – and not in a good way as with a mysterious trailer for something like Inception (2010) or next year’s Super 8 (2011). No, here it seemed like a lot of cliché lines from a character that plays by his own rules and is afraid to settle down because he has a crap load of insecurities. It’s your typical Oscar-hungry drama and I guarantee you George Clooney and company are hoping this will be another Up in the Air (2009) or Munich (2005), and I don't think it will be anything close. The trailer all in all just seems like we've seen it before and is sorta... meh.

Than again, maybe I'm be wrong. This could be a good movie, at which point I'll check it out much later. For now, and this month - I'm not interested.

For those of you who are interested in seeing The American, it opens everywhere today. For those of you who are curious about what I’m talking about, here’s the trailer:

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