VAMPIRES SUCK (2010)

Team Jacob, BITCH!

To suck, or not to suck, that is Edward’s question. Unfortunately for him and the rest of the cast of Vampire’s Suck, the answer is… to suck. Where the hell do these movies keep on coming from?! Oh, I know - from the team of “I can’t believe they’re still giving us money!” idiots that brought you 2008’s POS mess of awfulness Disaster Movie (which still has a 0% rating under Top Critics at Rotten Tomatoes, btw).

Attention all movie studios: PLEASE STOP GIVING WRITER/DIRECTORS JASON FRIEDBERG AND AARON SELTZER MONEY!!! In fact, they actually lost money with Disaster Movie. These guys have been riding the ‘people will watch anything’ train since they started with Scary Movie (2000). I actually liked Scary Movie - a lot. But its success is perhaps the one to blame for this onslaught of crappy parody movies - the first downer being Date Movie (2006) which failed to be quite as funny. Now four years later we’re still dealing with this junk. After Disaster Movie (and yes I am aware of the ironic title) I breathed a sigh of relief knowing that would be the end. After all, when a movie genre loses money and actually starts to be hated rather than just “disliked”, what studio says “We need to make more of these!”? Like, really?!

I like to think this is Friedberg’s and Seltzer’s last shot. That they went into the studio offices and said “Okay, look, I know we screwed up, but vampire movies are hot right now and we need to create some social commentary on them “. Then the execs hummed and hawed and finally gave in – after all, these guys did bring them money-making movies before. Surely they won’t mess up again. Both thankfully and unthankfully, they did. Unthankfully because this was a wasted 77 minutes I’ll never get back, and thankfully because surely the studio that brought us Fight Club (1999) will learn their lesson and never let these guys back onto studio property or near a camera again.

From this little rant o’ mine surely you can figure out I really didn’t like this movie at all. Any little laughs or giggles came from inside jokes or guilty pleasures like potty humour. Past the first half hour though it started to get a little tedious and by the end I was just plain annoyed. The jokes are obvious and unimaginative. At one point in the film Edward (Matt Lanter) tells Becca (Jenn Proske) that he is a vampire and she can guess what he needs to eat in order to live. At that point she holds up a box of f***ing Count Chocula cereal. Seriously?! Why oh why can’t these guys learn that a good parody film is something like Shaun of the Dead (2004). It’s still funny because (gasp) it has original jokes, but does a beautiful play on the zombie movie genre. Even SNL’s parody skit Firelight is a better spoof of Twilight. Hell, the Twilight movies are a better spoof of themselves.

Vampires Suck sucks. Period. Closed door all the way. In fact, I’m putting about twelve deadbolts on this closed door in case you get curious and bored one afternoon. I don’t care if you are stuck in a room for 76 minutes with a copy of this movie and the dictionary. Pick up the dictionary, and when you’re done reading through letters A and B, use the damn thing to smash this film to pieces – even though it does just a fine job of destroying itself.

*Stills “courtesy” of Regency Enterprises

*This review has also appeared on Ain't It Cool News! Check it out HERE.