Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...


>> Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Team Jacob, BITCH!

To suck, or not to suck, that is Edward’s question. Unfortunately for him and the rest of the cast of Vampire’s Suck, the answer is… to suck. Where the hell do these movies keep on coming from?! Oh, I know - from the team of “I can’t believe they’re still giving us money!” idiots that brought you 2008’s POS mess of awfulness Disaster Movie (which still has a 0% rating under Top Critics at Rotten Tomatoes, btw).

Attention all movie studios: PLEASE STOP GIVING WRITER/DIRECTORS JASON FRIEDBERG AND AARON SELTZER MONEY!!! In fact, they actually lost money with Disaster Movie. These guys have been riding the ‘people will watch anything’ train since they started with Scary Movie (2000). I actually liked Scary Movie - a lot. But its success is perhaps the one to blame for this onslaught of crappy parody movies - the first downer being Date Movie (2006) which failed to be quite as funny. Now four years later we’re still dealing with this junk. After Disaster Movie (and yes I am aware of the ironic title) I breathed a sigh of relief knowing that would be the end. After all, when a movie genre loses money and actually starts to be hated rather than just “disliked”, what studio says “We need to make more of these!”? Like, really?!

I like to think this is Friedberg’s and Seltzer’s last shot. That they went into the studio offices and said “Okay, look, I know we screwed up, but vampire movies are hot right now and we need to create some social commentary on them “. Then the execs hummed and hawed and finally gave in – after all, these guys did bring them money-making movies before. Surely they won’t mess up again. Both thankfully and unthankfully, they did. Unthankfully because this was a wasted 77 minutes I’ll never get back, and thankfully because surely the studio that brought us Fight Club (1999) will learn their lesson and never let these guys back onto studio property or near a camera again.

From this little rant o’ mine surely you can figure out I really didn’t like this movie at all. Any little laughs or giggles came from inside jokes or guilty pleasures like potty humour. Past the first half hour though it started to get a little tedious and by the end I was just plain annoyed. The jokes are obvious and unimaginative. At one point in the film Edward (Matt Lanter) tells Becca (Jenn Proske) that he is a vampire and she can guess what he needs to eat in order to live. At that point she holds up a box of f***ing Count Chocula cereal. Seriously?! Why oh why can’t these guys learn that a good parody film is something like Shaun of the Dead (2004). It’s still funny because (gasp) it has original jokes, but does a beautiful play on the zombie movie genre. Even SNL’s parody skit Firelight is a better spoof of Twilight. Hell, the Twilight movies are a better spoof of themselves.

Vampires Suck sucks. Period. Closed door all the way. In fact, I’m putting about twelve deadbolts on this closed door in case you get curious and bored one afternoon. I don’t care if you are stuck in a room for 76 minutes with a copy of this movie and the dictionary. Pick up the dictionary, and when you’re done reading through letters A and B, use the damn thing to smash this film to pieces – even though it does just a fine job of destroying itself.

*Stills “courtesy” of Regency Enterprises

*This review has also appeared on Ain't It Cool News! Check it out HERE.


akirakid August 22, 2010 at 7:37 AM  

I agree with your overall assessment but if you are going to review the movie then I expect examples to be sited as to why it is so bad. Yes, there are plenty of groan worthy jokes. But I also felt that there were glimmers of a better movie in there. Toward the beginning, Becca is playing her MP3 after she meets her dad. The screen reads "I hate life mix, teen angst mix" and then the song played over the scene is a parody itself of a rock power ballad that is used in these films. ("I hate life/I hate everything/Why can't I find a tortured gorgeous boyfriend...") That, to me, is ironic and at least worth a small chuckle. The girl that played Becca totally captured the Kristen Stewart ticks of Bella that so annoy me in the "Twilight" movies. OK, the "Alice in Wonderland", "It's Raining Men", Black Eyed Peas and Lady Gaga references were gag inducing and as a whole this movie is not worth the price of a ticket or a rental but I feel that there is some small ember of wit in there. It may be fleeting but it is there.

Film-Book dot Com August 22, 2010 at 9:25 AM  

I agree with akirakid. "The girl that played Becca totally captured the Kristen Stewart ticks of Bella that so annoy me in the "Twilight" movies." She did her homework.

Charlie you are correct. This is a terrible parody and there are far better parodies out there, as you mentioned. Spaceballs being another.

My Vampire Sucks review:

Angry Charlie August 24, 2010 at 7:18 PM  

Thanks for the feedback guys. I agree with both of what you said. Perhaps I need to get off the hate train for a second and acknowledge what they did right, which is pretty much what both of you mentioned. Jenn Proske did a good job with Bella-inspired Becca, and yeah, there were some clever things that poked fun at the genre itself.

I guess I'm more a fan of original humour that's inspired by the genre rather than copying it or stating the blatent obviousness of it all. Edgar Wright changed the satirical scene for me, as did Monty Python. When you see that and how good the genre COULD be, and then you see something like Vampire Sucks, you just wonder "if you're gonna put the work into it, just try a little harder please".

About This Blog

  © Free Blogger Templates Skyblue by 2008

Back to TOP