LEGION (2010)

*This review contains spoilers, but it shouldn’t matter anyway because you should never see this movie.

Upon first thinking about what Legion could be like, I imagined an epic battle with nothing but intense fear and a feeling of seclusion from beginning to end, all centered around the idea that God is pissed off at humanity for losing our way and feels His presence again should be proven and known for the first time since Noah’s flood. The trailer seemed a bit corny but more often than not trailers don’t always live up to the actual film as they try and appeal to too large a market.

Unfortunately, that compelling, interesting and decently original storyline I just stated is not the way Legion plays out at all - which is really too bad. The movie starts out as it should. We find ourselves in a secluded desert diner with owner Bob Hansen (played by Dennis Quaid – who should have been used more advantageously), a couple with a rebel of a daughter the diner’s gentle-giant cook Percy (Charles S. Dutton), Bob’s son Jeep (Lucas Black) and pregnant Charlie (Adrienne Palicki). A few other stragglers eventually make their way to the diner, including an oddly, overly kind old lady who does nothing less than tell Charlie her baby is going to burn in hell.

That’s where the movie gets going and after a mediocre start it is also the beginning of the end of any decent writing, tangible editing and a realistic timeline.

Not long after the old lady crawls on the ceiling and is shot and killed (by the stereotypical ‘black man with a handgun’ played by Tyrese Gibson), ex-angel Michael (played by Paul Bettany) shows up in a stolen cop car with a big ol’ bag of guns proclaiming that he knows what’s going on, but there’s “no time” to explain. Without skipping a beat Michael hands everybody a gun and tells them to shoot anybody that comes to the diner (talk about driving away some much-needed binazz).

After a brief shootout with hundreds of cars and potential customers, Bob FINALLY asks what’s going on. Michael tells them he is there to make sure that Charlie’s 'christ-like' baby is born, as it is going to bring the world out of darkness. That's the solution. Baby gets born, demons go away. I'll bite, as long as it makes those sharp-toothed, black-eyed demons go away. But wait, those sharp-toothed, black eyed demons aren’t demons? They’re angels?! Whaaaaa??!!

At this point the movie turns into a giant mess.

Okay, so God (who is apparently a woman)is on His rag and is sad because humanity won’t pay attention to Him anymore. So He’s decided to send angels to kill everybody because He doesn’t believe in people or how they have been acting. Seriously? But then why is Michael disobeying him? Michael says it’s because he has faith in humanity, in the people that fight to live, are selfless, move on and show passion and gratefulness for the life they have. That makes sense … I suppose – but is also super lame.

So the quickest first labour pains moment to actual birth to ever exist in humanity, another angel Gabriel (Kevin Durand) shows up saying he’s there to kill the baby and Michael, where it’s than revealed Michael was supposed to be the one to kill the baby in the first place (lamest twist ever by this point). Charlie is all sad about it and mad at Michael for betraying her, but that little moment doesn’t last long as Michael says to Gabriel “let’s finish this”, and sends Charlie and Jeep (I really hate that name, ps) on their way, telling Jeep that he must follow the prophets and learn the language if he is to survive, which makes no sense, but at this point you can only laugh because there’s been so many WTF moments you just don’t care anymore.

So Michael and Gabriel fight to the death, and Michael dies and dissolves into a cloud of brilliant blue light/smoke, right after Gabriel says “you wanted to live like a human, and you will die like one”. I know for one I’ve always enjoyed the idea of dying and then dissolving into blue light and smoke. Bob the owner comes in and blows up the diner destroying Gabriel, who after that point comes back like 8 more times a'la horror movie serial killer and only leaves for good after Michael comes back as an angel and scares him off. Why is Mike back? Because he “did what God needed and not what he wanted”. So now God is a 16-year old menstruating girl who has been “very spoiled and bad” and should take a time out. Yup.

The end, right? Unfortunately not.

Just when you think it can’t get much worse, the language Jeep is supposed to learn (mentioned earlier by Michael) magically gets tattooed on his arm and Jeep becomes a prophet himself…maybe…sorta?

Jeep says to Michael he should stay and help out and Michael tells Jeep it’s his own journey to take. Then, in the worst movie moment in the last 6 years since White Chicks’ farting at dinner scene, Jeep (no sh**ing you), says to Michael “Will we ever see you again?” and Michael seriously says “Just have faith.” and flies off into the sunset as Jeep and Charlie look down upon a town that is supposed to be their safe haven (which isn't really ever explained). The movie then ends in a T2 ripoff as Charlie and Jeep head off down the highway with a baby and whack load of guns while Charlie narrates what they learnt.

I won’t beat around the bush when I say THIS MOVIE SUCKS. Only see Legion if you want to be embarrassed for the writers and actors and for yourself for ending up in what will definitely be the biggest letdown if not the worst movie of the year.

*Stills courtesy of Sony Pictures